Kerrie Ann Frey

If you were to read a book in your free time about parenting, you’d come across topics like nutrition, discipline, potty training and school bullies. And those are good things to know about. Important even.
But there are other issues to be addressed. I’m working on an outline for my own parenting book. The title is not yet set, but some ideas bandied about are, “Stop pulling your hair out, you’re leaving a mess on the floor,” “How to communicate to small people who pretend not to hear you” and “Yes, technically, it is only noon, but the French drink wine with lunch, right?”.
The book will be a tool for parents who want to bypass the generalities of parenting. There already is plenty of information about baby food, test taking and allowances. We need a book that addresses the issues that concern parents most – concepts like what color nail polish is appropriate for your four year old or exactly how much pool water can a toddler swallow before he pukes. We are talking, in short, about The Parent’s Real World, complete with temper tantrums and fights with best friends. Here are a few chapter concepts:

Communicating or Threatening?
As important as it was not to leave 45 messages on a boyfriend’s answering machine when you were single, it is equally important not to be too verbose with your children. They are not listening to you at first anyway.
Simply state what you would like clearly and quietly. For example, “Stop pushing popcorn kernels into the sofa.” If need be, repeat yourself once. Then, if the little ones still are not listening to your request, add: “Fine, I will then give your toys to Angelina Jolie to disperse among the orphans of Cambodia” and watch the kids scamper to do your bidding. Selfish children? No. Merely selective listeners.

Emergencies
Fire and forgetting milk in the trunk of your car are always emergencies, with or without children. Parents will encounter other issues equally terrifying.
An example is poo-poo in the bathtub. Seriously icky, yet unavoidable. You should have gloves located in every room of the house. Poo-poo can happen at any time, in any location and in any shape. Particularly when your children are naked. Unfortunately, a primal response your children will exhibit is to want to eat it. This is unacceptable. Demonstrate to your children where poo-poo is properly disposed.
Another hazard is the large bug when your designated bug-killer is not at home. While you yourself may not squish bugs, you will want your children not to be squeamish. So fake it. Act like everything is cool. I recommend getting your largest Tupperware bowl. Carefully place the bowl over the bug and leave it there, saying, “Daddy will really want to see this bug! Let’s leave it for him.”

Other Parents
Let’s clarify a few things first, for the whiny-whinier whine-heads. Unless you can afford a 24-hour live-in, you don’t have time to yourself. You won’t until your children are old. We are all stressed out with thousands of things to do and working mothers and stay at home moms are equally as busy. Each should respect the other. The Mommy War is a fabrication of the media.
That’s just the way it is.
The most important chapter in my parenting book will address dealing with other parents. There always will be parents who truly believe everything they do is more complicated, more difficult and much better than anything you do, whether it’s loading the dishwasher or organizing children’s outings. Poke your fingers in your ears and ignore them.
And remember Frey’s First Law of Parenting Physics: For every parent, there is an equal or better, more well-dressed parent with shinier hair. This is not to say you should stop trying, but that you should just go about your business happily in workout clothes and a ponytail if you don’t have time to change. People in California do it every day.

I know there are lots of media outlets – books, articles, DVDs, etc. – giving parenting advice by qualified professionals. But some of these so-called doctors of psychiatry don’t get into the true heart of the matter. They don’t address where to find cookies at 7:00 am the morning of the holiday you volunteered for in 1992. They pretend that their kids brush their teeth twice a day every day. I once read an article about trendy strollers entitled “You Are What You Push.” It led me to understand I am a Target Model XWU2003. But I know I am so much more than that. In my heart I am a Stokke Xplory.

And that would make a good title for my book. If I ever get to it. I’ve been soooooo busy lately with room mothering, working, picking up the dry cleaning … and, of course, raising perfect children.